I find it so hard to get motivated still, I had planned to start working out again but I just haven’t been able to do it. I just feel like I am in a bottomless pit not knowing when things will begin to look up again.
I think my work environment has had something to do with it. I haven’t been able to get a clearance to actually do my job and have been working here for 6 months. based on my inability to obtain a security clearance I am limited in what I can do. I am blessed that I am still employed but I am not sure how much longer that will last. Out of a 40 hour work week I have maybe 15-20hrs of work that I am able to do without a clearance. The rest of the time I am sitting around trying to “look busy”
I think that has a part to play in why I feel so depressed and lack motivation. I feel like I am constantly just waiting for the other shoe to drop with the result being me being let go from my position with the company. I spend an inordinate amount of time stressing over losing my job and trying to figure out what I will do once I lose this job. I have applied to other positions that do not require security clearances but have not heard anything back. this is getting to be an extremely stressful vector in my life.
I feel like all the walls are closing in with my ability to maintain employment of some sort the only thing keeping all the walls from collapsing. I am seriously concerned with the possibility of losing my job. I have already lost my family and work is the only thing that I have left.
While I have lost my family I am still able to provide for them financially, if I lose my job and lose the capability to provide for my family I am not sure what good I am to anyone at that point in time.
Feeling hopeless around the holidays is never a good thing, I hope things start looking up again at some point.
My Bipolar Journey 