ramblings…. is this rock bottom yet?

I am not sure if I wrote about it before or not but I did get my psychological evaluation results back and the resulting diagnosis was not definitive for being bi-polar but yet said a diagnosis to consider was cyclothymia. Not sure that any of it really matters I am still prescribed Oxcarbazepine so I have just been taking that regularly.

The last month and a half I have been restricted from talking to my wife or kids as there is a preliminary protective order in place. I wont go into details on that but I feel it is unwarranted and will contest that in January when the court date is scheduled. While I feel I can fight it and get it set aside it hurts that I can’t have any contact with my kids in the meantime. I dont think that my wife is being vindictive and blocking contact from her and the kids to be mean, I think that she does truly feel it is necessary so I dont hold that against her.

I had fallen into a very depressive state in the last month and a half since this change in status happened and find it very hard to do much of anything outside of sleeping and going to work. going to 12 step meetings or church is pretty much the only thing I do outside of work/sleep.

I miss talking to my son and daughter and even though it would often be a fight I also miss talking to my wife.

I have no idea what my life will look like when this is all over but I feel like I am at rock bottom or at the very least very close to it. I am barely able to function at work and believe my employment here may not last much longer.

I started speaking with a new counselor recently and she has pointed out how self destructive I have been throughout my entire life but even more so in the last year and a half and she is right, I have taken a situation that has blown up my family and blown it up even more.

at this point in time I am just rambling random thoughts that are in my mind and I dont even know what purpose it serves. I am sitting at work with no drive or motivation and figured at least if I am typing something up here it will appear as if I am working.

Yesterday I couldn’t even get out of the house I was just frozen all day long. I have tried to stay off of anti-depressants but I am starting to think that might not be possible for me, I might truly need to get something to keep the depression at bay. I have an appointment soon with my psychiatrist again so I will bring it up and see what her thoughts are.

I know they say that staying physically active helps with mental health and I know I need to start working out but the motivation is just not there. I have a decent gym at my apartment complex and need to take advantage of that while I am still living here. I think perhaps I will just take baby steps, start out with just 10-15 min of cardio and work up from there. I figure once I get into a habit of getting my ass to the gym I can then start to modify the workout to be more beneficial for me. I was briefly on abilify for about 2 months and I put on alot of weight during that 2 month window,

I guess thats it for my ramblings, it kinda helps to get the thoughts out of my head and written down somewhere.


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