So I’ve got a bad habit…

I’ve got this bad habit that I think stems from my fear of abandonment and likely issues with not getting enough affirmation from my mother as a child. When things arent going well with my wife and I, I tend to do stupid things.

Now that I’m learning about bipolar it kind of makes a little more sense. I tend to get depressive or something and in order to make myself feel better I swing into manic type behavior ie. Shopping, seeking out affirmation from others, flirting, and other high risk behavior I’m sure as well.

But now that I have this new knowledge I feel like I can keep the mania at bay. I can avoid shopping simply enough. I’ve learned that if I don’t have a list then I shouldn’t go shopping. And if anything on my list is not essential then I should dwell on it for a few days or weeks even to decide if I even still want it.

The hardest part for me is seeking out affirmation. Affirmation can come and go but when I go out seeking it, it is unhealthy for me and is generally out of my grandiosity and selfishness. What makes it unsafe for myself and my wife is that I often times seek out the affirmation from women. This ends up with me in-appropriately flirting or making suggestive comments. All of which is unsafe for me to be doing since I also deal with a sex addiction along with my bipolar.

So today I am going to be extra cautious. My wife and I argued last night over me not owning up to my mistake and I dont want to compound that mistake with any of my standard unhealthy coping.

I sometimes wonder if anyone else does this as well or is it just me…

Advertisement