Hope is a funny thing

Hope is a funny thing. To have hope is what keeps people going, it keeps them moving towards their goal. I have hope that I can somehow save my marriage, I have hope that learning of my diagnosis can help me from repeating the mistakes of my past, I have hope that I can beat my diagnosis with proper treatment, I have hope that my family and I can survive the turmoil and we can thrive.

I can’t help but be worried that my hope for my marriage may be setting me up for a spectacular downfall and to be honest I am not sure how I will handle that if it comes to that. That seems to be the key that my therapists are focusing on, how will I handle the disappointment if things don’t work out the way that I want them too. They don’t want to see me in the same state that resulted in me being hospitalized. In truth I don’t truly know. I feel that if I try to prepare myself for that then I am ultimately guaranteeing that outcome. I feel that if I continue to focus on trying to do the right things than maybe JUST MAYBE things will work out.

Old me would prepare to get out of the pool. New me must face the problem and clean it up.

One thing is for sure and that’s the fact that my way hasn’t worked in the past. And the old me pre-medication, pre-hospitalization would have 100 variations of outcomes in my head from my racing thoughts and as a result of my pessimistic mindset (in outpatient treatment I learned I am apparently overly pessimistic) I would always try to prepare for the worst outcome. This always resulted in me doing something stupid to protect myself and ultimately hurting my chances in my marriage.

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