Am I broken?

Reading all the research by psychiatrists and experiences of those living with bipolar is not easy. So many different variations of bipolar symptoms.

High functioning, undiagnosed, late diagnosis, hypomania, mania, depression, major depression, cyclothymia, Bipolar I, bipolar II, anxiety and depression with bipolar features. The list goes on with ways that bipolar can be described but where do I fit in?

My psychiatrist when I was admitted to the hospital said Bipolar and didn’t give me any type 1 or 2 diagnosis. Then looking at my chart he just put Anxiety NOS and Depression NOS. The outpatient psychiatrist said she doesn’t want to put a diagnosis on it and that should be left to my long term psychiatrist after I finish outpatient. The outpatient therapist said Bipolar 2, but another therapist there said maybe cyclothymia… my head is literally spinning. I want to learn as much as possible but don’t know exactly what to search for.

What’s clear in my mind is that I have a mood problem, that’s why the mood stabilizers have been working. My racing thoughts are gone. My sleep cycle has finally become normal. I just want to know definitively what is wrong with me. Something is broken and I want to know how best to go about fixing it. I guess it might not really matter what type I have as long as I am aware I have a mood disorder that I need to have treatment for.

I know that I am in some kind of depressive funk. I can do some things but for the majority of my day I end up just sitting on the couch and doing nothing other than searching for bipolar material so I can learn more how to cope with and live with this a mood disorder.

The doctors tried to warn me against googling myself to death but I can’t help it. Am I learning or just making myself crazy?


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